A THS Mystery: The Lemon Investigates

A THS Mystery:  The Lemon Investigates

By Muhammed “Mystery” Khan

What’s good my beloved Tribune readers!!!!! Mystery solving extraordinaire Muhammed “Mystery” Khan here. I recently came across a spoooooky mystery that I just had to get to the bottom of. You’re in for quite the adventure, so take a few minutes to comb your hair, feed your lizard, buy at least 3 but no more than 76 cheese sticks from the nearest gas station, and buckle up for this great adventure! Or you could skip all of that and just start reading (although this is the less epic option).DISCLAIMER: Your timbers may be shivered when reading about these eerie events, so please make sure to stay warm.

It was a dark night in the middle of October, when suddenly I received a phone call. The caller ID read “Scam Likely.” Naturally, I answered.

On the other end, I heard what sounded like a very old cow attempting to moo. Just as I was about to say “Ayo who dis,” my ears were attacked by a high pitched screech that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Then, whoever or whatever was calling me spoke:

“GGHAHLAGUGA! BUNGA! BIGLE BOOGA!”

Since I’m so chill, I calmly replied, “please leave me alone, kind individual,” but they did not comply. Their weird noise-making only got louder. So, I threw my phone at the wall. I guess that’s why AppleCare exists.My love of mysteries made me eager to find out what I had just experienced, so I decided to start by doing some research. I typed “GGHAHLAGUGA! BUNGA! BIGLE BOOGA!” into Google. The result was “Your search did not match any documents.”

Below this message, however, was something shocking. It was a GIF of a scary monster going ice fishing. I suddenly remembered a rumor I had heard a few years ago about a MONSTER living at THS. At this point, my brain was in full mystery mode. I knew I had to investigate.

At school the next day, I decided to interview various individuals who I thought might know about the monster. I talked to several teachers, but all of them just looked at me like I was crazy. I tried offering them Scooby Snacks, but they just got offended. Very suspicious behavior indeed. Finally, I decided to interview Kondo, the school’s resident dog. Who better to tell me about a monster than a strange creature that lounges in the guidance office? When I asked him about the monster, he barked.

The average non-investigator may have taken this “bark” with a grain of salt. I, however, found meaning in it. How else is the word “bark” used? It is that brown stuff on trees. Where do trees grow from? The ground. The monster had to be underground!!! Thanks Kondo.

Late that night, I snuck back into the school building. It was pitch-black outside, but my phone was dead so I had to rely on echo-location. As I yelled at various walls, I didn’t realize that my voice was attracting some bogies. In the darkness, a scary guy yelled that I was “trespassing.” I knew that he was probably one of the monster’s minions trying to scare me off, so I sprinted away.

Finally, I found an unlocked window and climbed inside. I walked around with a comically large magnifying glass until I found a loose tile on the floor. When I lifted it up, I was greeted by something terrifying. In front of me was a staircase leading down to the fabled THS basement. The scary part? It was fully lit, and there was no off switch. That must be a nightmare when it comes to the school’s electricity bill.

I’ve learned in my years as an investigator that when you find a creepy staircase, the best course of action is to run down it as fast as you can while screaming in order to catch the villain by surprise. 

While I was running down the stairs and yelling like Tarzan, a face appeared at the bottom. It was Kondo! I was relieved to see a familiar face, so I slowed down and stopped yelling. Kondo then led me through the very well lit tunnels of the basement into a small, colorful room. In it was the blue monster. He got up, stomped over to me, and thrust his clawed hand in front of my face. Then, he shook my hand!

It turned out that Ragnor is actually pretty chill. He had called me the day before because he wanted me to pull up to his function. He gave me some cranberry juice, which was fire. He was having a function to welcome a new animal to the THS basement community, Larry the Lizard. Larry was a little passive aggressive, but he’s cool if you get to know him.

That night, I made a huge discovery about THS. My investigative skills paid off as I found a community of cool animals who weren’t actually scary at all. This just shows that you should never judge a phone call by the weird noises coming from the other end. The End.