Tribune Staff


2022-23 Staff

Sadie Abbitt 

Would choose invisibility as her super power because it would be really cool. She’d love to interview Miles Teller because he’s hot and she would ask him to teach her his iconic Rooster shimmy from Top Gun. Sadie is the type of person to trip over nothing and to slip off of counters and break her face. True story. Once she was walking and a fence fell onto her. Whoops. Her life wouldn’t be complete without her wife Liv.  She is a runner because she is to uncoordinated for any other sport.  

Lucy Franklin

If ninth grader Lucy Franklin’s life was a news story, the headline would be “The Girl Who Was Always Better.”  Lucy would love to interview “they know who they are” and ask the hard-hitting question:  “why did you do it?”  She’d also prefer flight over invisibility. She also has an amazing sense of style. She resembles pink and is such a girly-pop. She loves horror movies and Liv. The divorce of her parents Selena Gomez and Justin Beiber scarred her.

Lily Franks

Is not only one of the most fashionable newsies, but was also the subject of a very serious Oxford-area investigative report entitled “Watermelon:  Note Left on Porch.”  If she had to choose between flight or invisibility, she’d choose flight because birds are cool. 

Jordan Gresham

This girl relates a little bit too much to Amy March from Little Women but would rather interview another Amy. Amy Winehouse!  Jordan would ask her: ¨What advice do you have for a young girl to be super cool and hot and talented as you?¨Of course, this interview would have had to happen before July 23, 2011. It is undecided whether Jordan loves T. Swift as much as Morgan does.

Muhammed Khan

Muhammed Khan has been class president since 2017, having a longer reigning presidency than Abe Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. If President Khan’s life was a news article it would be called ‘Dude is Stressed’. When Mr. Khan was given the choice between flight and invisibility he’d choose flight to help solve world hunger (or something).  He’s the Tribune’s pop culture authority. 

Liv McGownd

Prefers flight over invisibility and would like readers to know “It’s Everyday, Bro.” She would choose to interview Timothee Chalamet because of how hot he is.  She would pick her dog Lovie over her friends anyday, except her wife Sadie. If she was on a survivor island she would be the first one voted off. She is the type of person that tells her friends she loves them and then smacks them in the face, it has happened many times.  She used to do gymnastics but then she sprained both her ankles, looser, and has made her entire personality being shockingly unathletic. Just kidding haha. She lives off of sushi and starbucks.

Hailey Moser

She absolutely loves Halloween. It is 100% her favorite holiday. If she could make everyday Halloween she definitely would. She would even get invisibility powers to scare people (since it’s Halloween), but she’d get flight as well so she could travel more and see all the pretty lights. If she could interview anyone alive or dead, she’d interview Evan, the security guard at King’s Island.  She’d ask Security Guard Evan:  “Are you alive?”

Kimberly Reteguin

Classifies herself as an honorary British Person. She even called herself “ A Girl That Has 8 Piercings and Life Revolves Around a British Singer That Sings about Fruits.” Who may ask, who is this British singer? Well the answer is Harry Styles! She absolutely adores him and would ask why his tour tickets are so expensive.

Cassadi Rose

Cassadi often has a mindset that is all work and no play. However, she secretly does have a fun side. If her life was a news article it would be titled “Girl Who is WayToo Obsessed with HerFuture.”  Cassadi was once working late and then her boss told her “You are the best worker I’ve seen! You will get a bonus.” but that bonus was a superpower! Cassadi chose flight because she enjoys fresh air.  She also has a stargate in her bedroom

Will Salzarulo

Falls down the stairs every other day.  When he’s not watching “Better Call Saul,” he’s playing “Red Dead Redemption” or doing Mock Trial, according to Investigative Journalist Hailey Moser. Just in case you need someone to ordain your wedding, Will’s a certified reverend!

Morgan Sly

She does a variety of things, some of them are not the smartest. The story of her life would be called “Girl Makes Bad Decisions,” and she would choose invisibility to hide her shame. Morgan ADORES Taylor Swift. If Morgan were to ask her anything she would ask why her merchandise is so expensive. Her favorite hobby is getting called a red flag by Mr. Pasquale.

Eliza Sullivan

Eliza is an investigative journalist and often blames her bad luck (and her ego) on her astrology sign. Eliza wishes she could get an exclusive interview with the late Princess Diana Spencer so she could ask her what she thinks of the current state of the royal family.

Nazla Walsh

She loves characters like Wanda Maximoff, Austin Powers, and Bob from Top Gun,  just to name a few. She would name the book on her life ‘Go fast think slow’. She chose to interview Ross Lynch because hes really hot. She also happens to base her whole personality on tik tok. The highlight of her life was landing head first on a diving board, or tumbling over a set of hurdles. 

Advisor: Dr. Amanda “Waxy” Weatherwax

THS Senior Andrew Averbach has called Waxy a boomer. However, she was born after 1964 which is when the Baby Boom ended. Waxy chose invisibility over flight, following in the footsteps of her “husband,” who students KNOW doesn’t really exist but is only a figment of her imagination.