The Wall: Complete and Total Unbiased Reporting

Welcome to The Wall! The most trusted news column on the Tribune for fair and balanced news–all online and all true. Here at The Wall, we take pride in hiring only the most biased reporters and editors from both sides of the political spectrum and have repeatedly won the award for most underpaid staff in news history. In a world full of biased news and broken promises, we at The Wall guarantee that you will receive a fair story or interview a whopping 60% of the time and a balanced story an entire 40% of the time. We report only the facts, with some opinion thrown in here and there to make things more interesting, and we promise that you get a partial portion of the story every time. If you haven’t already stopped reading by now and clicked off this tab to read from news sites that will give you false information, then we highly recommend you check out our quality articles.

Five Alternatives to Donald Trump’s Wall

  1. Only build a wall as a last resort around political landmarks and Conventions to protect our beloved politicians from illegal aliens.
  2. Build a wall around Trump Towers to stop people from trying to invade Trump’s privacy and property such as the 20-year-old man from Virginia caught by the NYPD trying to climb Trump’s Tower.
  3. Build a wall around Canada instead of Mexico to stop horrible music like Nickelback and Justin Bieber from invading the US.
  4. Build a wall around the White House to stop the illegal aliens from trying to jump over the fence into the house of our very president.
  5. Vote for a candidate like Trump who obviously knows how to properly handle foreign policy and knows how to properly handle everyone coming into our country both legally and illegally.

In Defense of Hillary Clinton

At first many of us including some Democrat voters might be turned off by Hillary Clinton’s issues with honesty and lack of accomplishments in politics. But our fair and balanced reporters all disagree. Hillary Clinton could very well be the greatest president we’ve seen in a long time and just what America needs. In a time when our trust in politicians is deteriorating in America, we need a candidate to be honest with the people, unless it involves private email servers and government coverups that we should obviously have no interest in. We need a president who tells us exactly what we should eat and what’s fair and what counts as hate speech because clearly we shouldn’t have to ever be offended by anyone.

It’s great that a candidate like Hillary is looking out for us all by making sure that we never have to be exposed to anyone else’s opinion including all this right wing “Hate Speech.” We will become such great innovators and thinkers by never having to listen to others opinions and never being told that our opinions are wrong. That’s what’s so great about all these far left democrats is that they always look out for us and make sure we only see what we like. Hillary will accomplish great things for independent news sites by making sure that none of our content could ever hurt anyone and put trigger warnings at the beginning of any article that might hurt someone. Thanks to our fair and balanced reporting we’ve managed to give a very clear and concise reason why Hillary Clinton might be a candidate to consider.

Why Trump’s Wall will make a Great Historical Landmark

For anyone out there who’s still worried about Donald Trump’s foreign policy we have some great news. According to our fair and balanced news team both far right conservatives and far right democrats seem to agree on one thing. Donald Trump’s wall will make an amazing landmark for generations to come. We will have not only a great wall standing over our great nation, But we will also be peering over at our very own great wall of China. The great thing about Trump’s ideology is that he’s looking at the past to avoid future mistakes. That just shows how much we need strong leaders like Trump who can truly keep us safe and keep us protected here at home. So next time Trump stands mighty and tall on the stand saying that we will soon build a great wall, we should all stand up and chant with the crowd.

Editor’s Notes: Ben Phillips is a free-thinking man who has been watching politics for years. He enjoys political debates, classic rock and metal music, and reading online news articles such as “The Onion” for political enlightenment.

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