“Great” Valentine’s Day

“Great” Valentine’s Day

By Lover-Boy Logan Murray

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner it’s time for couples to start panicking and single people to feel lonely. During this hectic time it’s important that everyone feels the love, so here are six suggestions for couples, and how to modify them for singles.

1: Grab some hot cocoa and hug under a blanket. It’s the middle of February and the temperature reflects that so why not warm up with the one that warms your heart. Grab yourself some hot chocolate and a blanket then turn on the kissing booth and enjoy a cheesy movie with you’re definitely paying attention to. For this to be modified for the still seeking: find a couple thats watching a cheesy movie under a blanket and pour hot chocolate on them while screaming “RUB IT IN MY FACE”, “I KNOW I’M LONELY YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE JERKS,” and even “YOU LOOK JUST LIKE JESSICA/JUSTIN” while crying softly.

2: Romantic Meal. Just picture it, candlelight, a cup of spaghetti, and a bowl of milkshake. You blindfold your partner before walking them to the table and sitting down. Halfway through the meal you realize you forgot to take the blindfold off and they just stuck their hand in the milkshake. For the single among us this can be modified for you by buying all of the pasta at your grocery store and sticking one end of a noodle into a vacuum in order to do a budget version of that Lady and the Tramp scene. Repeat until happy

3: We call this one “I really hair about you.” It gives them not only a new friend but a wig if necessary. What you’re going to do is collect as much of their hair as you can find and then knit it into a doll of them. They’ll be overjoyed at all the sweat and tears you’ve put into this completely normal. You can substitute their hair for your own if you want them to always have a piece of you with them. For those without hair to steal you can use flakes of their skin and just graft them onto a store bought doll. Singles can make voodoo dolls of the couple that keeps teasing them with their happiness (Pasquale and Schmid, I’m looking at you) and have fun with your godlike powers over those who previously wronged you. I wonder if they’ve ever played chicken…

4: It’s important to remember that you’ve overcome hardships and this idea embraces that. Just grab all of their old band-aids you keep in a box under the stairs (don’t pretend you don’t, we have cameras in your house, Owen) and buy a box of chocolates with a heart shaped container. Then you replace the chocolate with the band-aids and give them the box. Just imagine their face as you hand them the box and ignore what they’ll do after they open it. For the valentineless among us you can just skip the band-aid step and eat a whole lot of chocolate.

5: Jealousy and spite are great motivators and this idea can inspire both using a simple cardboard cutout. Making a fake significant other so that you can pretend to dump them and exclaim your love for the non-cardboard you adore. If you close your curtains in a way where you can still see either silhouettes or a small part of the cutout it will look like you have somebody else in the house as they walk to your door, then you just need to kiss the cutout while they look in horror. As they burst through the door furious you can dramatically scream about how “I’m sorry Jesathew, but my heart belongs to another.” Guaranteed to get a strong emotional response out of the target. For the significant singles reading you can just keep kissing the cardboard until someone walks in and you have to think of an excuse as to why you were making out with a fake person.

6: Everyone knows about cupid and how he spreads love with his arrows, and now it’s your turn. For this idea you’ll need four things: an adult diaper, wings, a bow, and arrows. Simply put on your wings and diaper then chase your Significant other around while attempting to land one of your arrows somewhere on them. Then once you’ve hit them it’s important to shoot yourself so you feel the same way. If you have access to it some rope and a pulley system can allow for more authenticity while showing your love. For single people this ones easy, you just need to chase people around trying to shoot them with a bow so they fall in love and have an even better Valentine’s Day.


Cover art also by Lover-Boy Logan Murray