The Essential Zombie Survival Plan – Movie Edition

Zombies: Man-eating harbingers of doom, which would surely erase humanity from our peacefully orbiting planet. These brain dead monstrosities have become an American fixation, teenagers (mainly boys) layout and compare their survival plans, producers rake in profits from the latest zombie blockbuster, zombie apocalypse survival classes are now available at Michigan State University and ACE Hardware recently opened a Zombie Preparedness Center.

With this undead obsession on the rise, it’s only a matter of time until some crazy scientist creates a zombie virus in the lab he’s created in his garage. When the inevitable happens you will need to have a survival plan. I have taken it on my self to watch as many zombie apocalypse movies as I can, after hours of gore I’ve compiled The Essential Zombie Survival Plan – Movie Edition.

1.    First, you will need to create a “Survival Team.” There are many variations of this team; the standard team is usually comprised of your friends. Within the teams there are more variations, however they always seem to include your love interest, a couple and your best friend. My research has lead me to believe that your love interest should be vain, they often don’t see the main character (you) as relationship material until you risk your life to save her (more information see step 5). The couple is often your crush’s best friend and their boyfriend/girlfriend. From what I’ve seen, the boyfriend in this couple has an ongoing and highly publicized feud, which results in counterproductive arguments that cause problems every step of the way.

My research has led me to believe that the girlfriend in this couple must be stubborn and idiotic to the point of recklessness. They may sound annoying, but never fear, they will be shortly ripped limb from limb by hungry hordes (more information see step 4). The best friend role is often filled by someone who you have known from a young age, you usually rent together and if not you live in close proximity to him or her. They also take the position of comic relief, a crucial character that keeps the sanity of the group though the dark and gruesome apocalypse. Common member variations include a parent (often only one), and a mysterious, tough character whose background is gradually discovered throughout the movie.

2.      You need to choose an ill-equipped, defenseless place to take shelter in; you need to visit the location often. By no means should you choose a police station or a military base.

3.     On the way to this place, one of your party is bitten by a zombie, but refuses to tell the rest of the group. They eventually turn into a zombie and bite one of the group, the person who is bitten is usual the boyfriend in the couple.

4.      After the bitten person transforms, the girlfriend has to try to save her zombie boyfriend and she gets torn limb from limb.

5.      Your love interest needs to get in a perilous situation, which you daringly shave her from. This sparks their feelings for you.

6.      Your actions, though heroic, cause your hold on the inadequate location you have chosen to slip.  Because of this your group now gets cornered.

7.      After a difficult struggle to hold off the zombies, your friend steps up to save the remaining members of your team. One emotional conversation between you and your friend later, a conversation that usually involves the phrase “I love ya, man,” your friend holds of the undead hordes.

8.       Despite your friend’s valiant sacrifice, your team becomes cornered again, when all hope seems lost, you and your love interest take the time to confess your love for one another. (It is crucial that you don’t use the time for a last ditch escape attempt.)

9.      You’re once again saved just in the nick of time by the S.W.A.T. team or the Army.

10.     Surprisingly, your life goes back to normal even though all your immediate friends are dead. You never show any emotional scars resulting from your terrifying experience.

Now that you know this, I hope you survive (I’ve not heard any complaints from people who didn’t). However, I assume you will all follow this plan, so I’m going to call hiding out at UDF uptown; it is one of the least defendable places I can think of.