Bryce Harper to Retire from MLB

Bryce Harper, the crown and jewel of the Washington Nationals, has decided to hang up his cleats after a tumultuous three week long tenure in professional baseball.

Harper, 19, made the announcement at a press conference held at his new condo at an assisted living facility in Chevy Chase, Maryland on May 16th.

“The time has come where my body can no longer keep up with the game,” a tearful Harper said.  “I’ve done all that I can.”  Harper cited an aching back and a possible hip replacement as the primary reasons for his retirement.

Harper, once known as the most hyped baseball prospect of all time, ends his career with numbers most other pro players short of Barry Bonds could never even fathom:  two home-runs, five runs batted in, six doubles, one triple, one stolen base, a batting average of .227, and an on-base percentage of .316.

“Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined having such a productive career.  As a kid, I thought I would be lucky to have a sacrifice bunt.  I’ve truly been blessed,” said Harper.

Many of his fellow Nationals teammates were saddened by the news.

“It really puts things into perspective,” said Washington pitcher Stephen Strasburg from his motorized wheelchair.  “I’m 23, and my eyesight’s been deteriorating for years.  I’m probably next.”

“I can’t remember what the team was like before [Harper] showed up.  But then again, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast this morning.  I think it was bran flakes.  Want to see some pictures of my grandkids?” said third baseman Ryan Zimmerman, 29.

Harper closed the emotional press conference  by announcing his intention to file for social security and become an active member of the AARP, as well as take up shuffleboard.  The event was interrupted when Harper had to yell at two small children who were chasing each other on his front lawn.

“Kids these days…” chuckled Harper.