THS President Muhammed Khan Gives Inaugural Address

Added by Definitely Not Written by President Khan on October 3, 2023.
Saved under Archives, Columns, The Lemon

Recently, Muhammed Khan was re-elected as class president. The following is a transcript of the shocking speech he gave at his inauguration. This was a truly frightening moment for the class of 2024. If you are easily spooked, I would advise you to close this tab ASAP. You have been warned.

START OF TRANSCRIPT

Khan:  Good time of day my fellow Americans!

For the past four years, I’ve been leading our strong dictatorsh–I mean, democracy! I now have the privilege of once again representing the principles that define what it means to be BRAVE: Boss, Relevant, Awesome (sauce), Vengeance, and Eggs!

Today is my final inauguration, so get ready for some wise words from the real OG.

Firstly, you may be wondering what happened to your old chromebooks. Fear not, for I have the answer. I ate them! Every last one. I felt it would be un-American of me to let them continue to exist. Why are they called books? They aren’t books. In fact, they are the opposite of books. Books are paper. They aren’t paper. Long story short, I felt it would be an irresponsible abuse of my power to pardon them for their identity theft.

Rando from the audience:

Are you crazy? What’s your problem?!?!?! Not my president!

Khan:

Guards, please dispose of whoever said that. Ragnor hasn’t had a meal in ages.*

Now, to continue with my speech. First, I’d like to relay some words of inspiration. You may feel sad at times for reasons that do not concern me. If this is the case, remember that this is America. Stop crying. Capeesh?

Moving on, I’m finna tell you about all the changes I’m makin’ up in this piece. First of all, we are running low on animal employees. Sure, Kondo is great. At the same time, why are we discriminating against other animals? I’m currently in the process of interviewing for 73 new animal positions. This place is gonna be better than the Cincinnati Zoo! Some of the top candidates are Gary the Gorilla, Bartholomew the Marmot, and some raw turkey I found at Walmart.

Second of all, I’m growing increasingly tired of people walking on the wrong side of the hallway. My plan is to install scary traps that will only be engaged if someone is walking on the wrong side. The biggest hurdle is the legal barriers, but I’ll find a way to change the law eventually.

Third of all, please refrain from entering the tech closet next to the boy’s locker room. You have been warned.

I’m a little sleepy now. Rest now my children. Until next time!

END OF TRANSCRIPT

unnamed*Ragnor is a fabled beast who may or may not reside in the dungeons under THS.