The Lemon Endorses Candidates for Student Government

Talawanda Tribune Presents:  The Lemon:  sour satire and fun farce

The following is a satire.  If you don’t know what satire is — ask your English teacher.  If they don’t know what satire is — we’re in trouble.

Voting for your student government will be the most important thing you do in your high school career. Student government elections are not popularity contests — they are legitimate political races where Talawanda High School’s direction and future are on the line. Here, you decide the correct person to motivate you for the rest of your life at high school graduation, the right person to choose the correct cupcake flavor at prom, and the right person to properly select what color banner to use for the homecoming float. To make an appropriate decision, an educated and respectable voter must fully understand and know all candidates; their past, their qualifications for office, their activities, and their vision of the future. The Lemon is the place to go for quality, timely, accurate, in-depth coverage and information for all candidates in all offices. Use this guide to make an educated, informed decision on the candidate to vote for. And remember, choosing candidates for student government are certainly the most important decisions you make in high school.

Here’s the accomplishments, qualifications and deep, dark secrets of some of the candidates.  
*The winners of the following races might speak at graduation, so choose the one who will most likely accidentally swear or purposefully rap:

Student Body President Candidates
PATTY
Accomplishments and Qualifications:
They can recite the entire ¨The Big Bang Theory¨ from memory.
Has completed the entire game of Poptropica twice in a week.
Has found a new show they enjoy on Netflix in less than 35 minutes.
Is a master puppeteer.
They can list pi up to 4957 digits.

Dirty Skeletons in the Laundry Closet:
Still goes trick or treating dressed as the Boss Baby from the Oscar-nominated “Boss Baby.”
In fifth grade they sang they alphabet for the talent show and messed up twenty six times.
They once flushed their still-alive goldfish down the toilet.
In second grade they were impeached from student council president because they couldn’t share crayons.
They spent two days in the wrong class before realizing it.  It was a lamaze class.

The Lemon kinda, sorta endorses Patty.

CAYLOR 
Accomplishments and Qualifications:
Has a secret tattoo of Mr. York’s face.
Has successfully separated all the marshmallows from the cereal in their Lucky Charms.
Genuinely prefers crunchy peanut butter to creamy peanut butter.
They were the top player on the school powerball team.
They once brought a dog back from the dead.

Dirty Skeletons in the Laundry Closet:
Is a student at Talawanda; Talawanda starts with the letter T. Triangle Starts with the letter T=Illuminati confirmed.
Listens to Justin Bieber unironically.
Hates puppies and Kittens.
Pours the milk before the cereal.
They liked the Emoji movie

The Lemon is pretty sure that they endorse Caylor.

Senior Class Officers 
Senior Class President Candidates
SAMMY 
Accomplishments and Qualifications:
They can do no-armed push-ups.
Was president of the “I love bear hugs club” and was the top student in bazinga class for three years.
Took a confetti cannon to the face to protect a large group of celebrating kids at a parade.
Saves pinatas from being brutally murdered by three year olds at birthday parties.
Has a high IQ of 3.1 and graduated clown college at a early age.

Dirty Skeletons in the Laundry Closet:
Always pours Coke on top of their mac and cheese.
Does disco Mondays and nude Sundays.
Was caught chasing a squirrel screaming: “I want my nuts back!” behind the school.
Chases Mr. York every morning down the halls yelling: “Let your Lizard flag fly!”
They keep dirty skeletons in their laundry closet.

It is almost certainly a possibility that The Lemon endorses Sammy.

EMILY 
Accomplishments and Qualifications:
They once chugged 2 gallons of liquified cottage cheese through a straw.
They ate at a restaurant, and when the waitress said enjoy your meal, they didn’t say you too.
Their special skill is that they manage to think every food is spicy, including catsup, bell peppers, mayonnaise and the crust of wheat bread.
Their favorite vacation spot is the River Banks Hamilton: “It’s really peaceful to watch the trash floating through the brown water, imagining that it’s all of your fears and worries floating away in the frothy bubbles.”
They can eat 12 saltine crackers without drinking any water.

Dirty Skeletons in the Laundry Closet:
They have a 15X15” framed poster of Mr.Clean that they kiss every night.
They have a secret crush on the lead singer of Nickelback.
Their favorite song to cry to is ‘Call Me Maybe’ by Carly Rae Jepsen.
Their favorite movie is ‘A Cinderella Story’ starring Hilary Duff.
Comic sans is their favorite font — they wrote an entire screen play in it.

You can count on the fact that The Lemon probably endorses Emily.

Senior Class Vice President Candidates
COLSON 
Accomplishments and Qualifications:
Their flag football once went an entire season when undefeated when they were 6.
This candidate have managed to watch all 9 seasons of The Office within 10 days.
They can suck their own toes.
They give people juice (#27 on the list of how to show kids you care).
Their proudest achievement, however, is being able to resist eating their popcorn at the theater until the previews are over.

Dirty Skeletons in the Laundry Closet: 
Their favorite thing to do on a Friday night is watching ‘Caillou’ while eating plastic bags listening to Despacito.
They once kicked their Chromebook down the stairs because it was quote “Talkin’ all dat trash.”
They have a secret obsession with JoJo Siwa and have a shrine to her in their closet.
They like to sing Smash Mouth’s ‘All Star,’ unironically.
It was around two a.m. last night when they were found on the football field brushing their teeth and drinking orange juice (and they enjoyed it).

The Lemon will most likely consider the possibility of maybe perhaps endorsing Colson.

MACIE 
Accomplishments and Qualifications:
They once ate a whole bathtub full of pickles.
They like eating pineapple pizza while watching “Orange Is The New Black,” which makes them more than qualified enough.
They can bust around 40 boards on their forehead in 5 minutes.
They can rollerskate on their hands.
They once saved a litter of puppies from an angry cat.

Dirty Skeletons in the Laundry Closet: 
This candidate secretly likes to put teachers’ toenail clippings in their cereal.
They enjoy stalking their teachers outside of school.
They like to throw garbage at kids leaving school from their car.
They got kicked out from a showing at the movies of ‘The Emoji Movie’ because they were crying too loud.
They throw themselves down the stairs to get out of math class.

The Lemon is strongly contemplating endorsing the human named Macie.