Upcoming Movie Failures: 2017 Hollywood Preview

Another year, and another time to look into Hollywood’s upcoming failures:  Movies. Are you as excited as I am? Probably, because I’m not.

“Justice League” – It’s another Zack Snyder movie. Because we all know that “Man of Steel” and “Batman V. Superman” was a success. Financially, anyway. If Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that it doesn’t matter how terrible a movie may be, as long as it breaks the box office, it is considered high quality. Great work there, Hollywood. Great lesson for aspiring film directors and actors.

“Wonder Woman” – What’s this, Patty Jenkins is the director and not Zack Snyder? Oh wow, what a shock- Oh wait, Zack Snyder is the producer. Nevermind, it’s bad

“Beauty and the Beast” – At first Disney succeeds, it will try and try again anyway because their pockets aren’t filled with enough cash for their liking. Seriously, another live action remake to an animated classic? You really think that the live action remake will be more financially successful than the animated ones? Oh wait, “Alice in Wonderland” (read a Tribune review of “Alice: Through the Looking Glass” http://talawandatribune.org/2016/11/01/alice-through-the-shortcoming/) made a billion dollars compared to the classic one, and the “Cinderella” remake made three hundred million dollars more. Nevermind, I guess I’m just some idiot complaining on the internet.

“Power Rangers’ – Are the Power Rangers still a thing? Well, if Michael Bay could drag the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles out of the grave they want to lie in, I’m sure the same can be done for the Power Rangers. Sure can’t wait for when they try to bring back the Thundercats

“Logan” – This is an X-Men movie… without the X-Men. It tries to do something new than what we’ve seen. Perhaps they are trying to do something good… But every other X-Men movie before was awful, so I still hate this movie for being X-Men related

“Ghost in a Shell” – Am I going to say this movie is bad because it’s based on a Japanese animated series and graphic novel, and since every actor is bad, it’s just having white washing? No. I’m saying it’s bad because they gave these people a property they probably aren’t used to, so I am expecting it to be another generic live action movie like every other one based on something from Japan. Just leave stuff to Japan, okay? I mean, sure, they made the “Attack on Titan” movie and it made me physically sick, but…. Actually, no, just stop making these movies.

“Fifty Shades Darker’ – …………… No

“Despicable Me 3” – Be honest with yourself… you’re going to watch this movie because the Minions are on the cover… Don’t lie to yourself, and don’t lie to me especially. You and I both know that this franchise is still lumbering about because of these pint sized spawns of the Devil.

“Baywatch” – That’s right, there making a “Baywatch” movie, off the popular TV series that was over twenty years ago. It’s too late to make a movie of this now, so why even bother. Is it because kids like Dwayne Johnson? That’s the only reason I can see this trash being salvaged from the landfill.

“Annabelle 2” – Look, if the first one wasn’t even scary, what makes you think this one’s going to be any better. I’ll give them this, they set the bar so low with the last one, there’s no possible way they could make it worse… Right?

“The Mummy” – Remember that timeless classic that was really really bad and yet no body wanted to admit it? Well, don’t worry, because Hollywood wanted us all to remember it, even if we really didn’t want to.

“Jumanji” – Another remake, and another one with Dwayne Johnson. I guess Robin Williams was too charming for kids films, so they had to resort to this. Oh, I’m sorry, it’s a sequel… as if that’s supposed to be better… It’s not.

“The Smurfs: The Lost Village” – Oh boy, I remember the original movies like they were only a few years ago. Oh wait, they were a few years ago, and they decided to bring them back. Are the Smurfs just the new Chipmunks? If so, should I be happy that the Chipmunks may be gone forever or angry because we’ll just get more Smurfs movies. At least they had the decency to animate this one instead of making it live action, so I can at least look at it without getting sick.

“Monster Trucks” – You got monsters… in trucks… Alright, thank you for coming, please exit the doors on your left. It’s like the director got his son to make the movie… Oh wait, that is exactly what happened with this movie. Oh wait, that’s because it did happen. On a side note, this was the last film Jon Polito was in before he died. Let’s remember him for “Barton Fink,” “Rocketeer,” “The Crow”…. And not this trainwreck

“Trainspotting 2” – Remember that movie with the heroin addict who locks himself in the bedroom and has a hallucination about the baby he let die of neglect crawling on the ceiling due to withdraw… Well now you remember. You’re welcome. This is probably the only movie of 2017 I’m looking forward to. I’d rather be depressed than be angry. But if there aren’t any dead babies crawling on ceilings in this movie, I’m going to be mad

“Divergent Series: Allegiant – Part 2 or Ascendant 2” – That is the worst movie title I think I’ve ever heard. I hate “Divergent.” It’s just stupid teenagers trying to not die, and they don’t die sadly, because their acting makes me cringe. I just hope this is the last one forever, and that maybe, Hollywood will stop making movies based on books with stupid child main characters, because I’m honestly getting really sick of this.

“Tetris Movies” – No, not just a Tetris movie, but a Tetris sci-fi alien movie, and no, not just a Tetris sci-fi alien movie, but a Tetris alien sci-fi trilogy. And we get the director of “Food Fight” on board, which you may recognize as the worst animated film of all time. Also, too much to fit into one movie… I’m wondering how you can fit all this bull into one article?

“Emojimovie: Express Yourself” – Ever wanted to give up total hope on Hollywood? I present the Emojimovie: Express Yourself. This is it. This is as low as you could possibly get with an animated movie. You know it’s good when the director has worked on straight to video movies. At this point, let’s just make a movie about “Facebook, titled Facebook Movie: Friends on my List.” Or how about “Twitter Movie: A Tweet Away.” Or my favorite, “The Tumblr Movie: Check Your Privilege.”

And lastly, just a bunch of sequels and remakes. Who cares. Hollywood, stop making mistakes, and actually learn something… Or just make another remake, sequel, or Zack Snyder film and continue to earn billions of dollars for unoriginality. That works too, I guess