3 “Marriages” That Should Be Banned Instead

On Tuesday, voters in North Carolina approved Amendment 1, which amends the state constitution to make civil unions and other forms of domestic partnerships popular with homosexual couples unrecognizable by the state (same-sex marriage is already outlawed).  And even though Obama finally came out in support of gay marriage (let’s remember that this is the same guy who said he would close Guantanamo and would immediately withdraw from Iraq), several states, including Maine, Washington, and Minnesota, will have issues on the ballot this coming election cycle that deal with the rights of same-sex couples.

I really don’t get why people would care so much about other peoples’ private sexual lives, or why people think the government should even be involved in the marriage business in the first place, but whatever.  Opponents of gay marriage talk about how it’s a detriment to family values, how it corrupts society and the institution of marriage, blah blah blah.  I can think of three combinations that are way worse for society than two dudes or two chicks tying the knot.

1).  Mac Miller and Wiz Khalifa

These two have the pleasure of being tied for number 2 on my list of least favorite musicians (Bob Dylan is number 1).  I can’t even decide which one I hate more; it’s like deciding between Hitler and Stalin.  Neither of these “rappers” can seem to rap about anything other than drinking, marijuana, and sexual promiscuity, and they aren’t even clever about it.  Their lyrics are so simplistic that I can feel my brain cells gasping for air when I hear one of their songs on the radio.  And with the announcement of their upcoming joint tour “Under the Influence”, this combination has become the “gay marriage” of hip-hop:  two very similar individuals joining forces to do what they love, even though some people find it truly disgusting.  What’s even more troubling is that a lot of kids I talk to consider one or both of these guys to be “the voice of our generation”.  Yikes.  I don’t think our generation will look too good to future Americans when they look back and see that we defined ourselves by songs like “No Sleep”,   “Young, Wild, and Free”, “Senior Skip Day”, and “Kool-Aid and Frozen Pizza”.

2).  Alec Baldwin and Telephones

Whenever Alec Baldwin is allowed use a phone, bad things seem to happen.  Whether he’s leaving an angry, derogatory voice message for his eleven-year-old daughter or disrupting flights because his massive ego thinks “please turn off your electronic devices” is less important than feeding his “Words With Friends” addiction, Baldwin is always making headlines (and making me laugh at him even more), and more often than not, it involves him misusing a telephone.  How can anybody think that a man like this, who referred to his daughter as a “rude, thoughtless little pig” and delayed a flight full of decent, hardworking Americans, should ever be allowed near a phone again?  Alec Baldwin does nothing positive for society (and no, I don’t think 30 Rock is a good show), and has already caused more damage to traditional family values than any gay person I know ever has.

3).  KFC and Taco Bell

Alright, I’ll admit that I used to think that this was civilization’s best idea since baseball brought out the designated hitter, but I’ve come to realize that sometimes a dream combination can be so wonderfully amazing that it actually causes harm.  I’m referring to those buildings you see sometimes, usually in airports, train stations, etc., where you’ll see a KFC and a Taco Bell being served in the same restaurant.  Sounds like Heaven, doesn’t it?  You can slay some original recipe chicken and an order of taquitos in the same meal.  Well it’s not good okay?  The last time I was at one of these was over the summer at Penn Station in New York City.  My friend and I dropped almost $40, which was pretty much all the money we had left between us.  That’s equivalaent to somebody spending their life savings on a house.  If these are allowed to continue, Americans will become even more obese than they already are and we can wave goodbye to responsible spending.

You can’t tell me any of these things are better for society than two guys or two girls getting married.