Floridians Cut Loose, Literally

Floridians Cut Loose, Literally

By Stenghis Khan


In recent years, citizens of the United States have noticed an increase in suspicious activity coming from the state of Florida. Ranging from attempted robberies with staplers to the governor’s attempts to take control of Disney World, the happenings in Florida have been a cause for concern for years. On Friday, April 7, 2023, these concerns culminated in Joe Biden’s decision to cut Florida off. Literally.

Just one day after Biden’s decision, volunteers from around the country arrived at the border between Florida and Georgia, excited to begin the long overdue exiling of the Florida land mass. Unfortunately, the United States government was in too much debt to provide any tools, so the volunteers graciously brought with them a variety of tools including jackhammers, excavators, and shovels.

In just two days, half of Florida’s border had already been cut loose. Due to some complications involving a stubborn activist group of mutant alligators, the project has been on pause since then. However, once the alligators agree to the treaty proposed by Benjamin Franklin (no relation to that guy on the $100 bill), volunteers should be able to continue their work. The treaty has some citizens concerned that we are giving too much autonomy to these creatures, but that’s a story for another day.

Our goal is to have the work fully completed by the end of this month. Surprisingly, it seems that the citizens of Florida have not yet noticed what is happening. They appear to be preoccupied with other issues. Therefore, it is entirely possible that Florida will be cut off from the United States without any retaliation. We are not sure why the governor has not yet responded to President Biden’s email on the matter. He was recently spotted having an argument with Mickey Mouse, so it’s possible that he was too busy to notice Biden’s correspondence.

Surprisingly, the infamous Florida Man has yet to make an appearance at the border. We have a few insider sources that claim he is off-world attempting to steal the moon, but nothing has been confirmed. It is likely however, that he will show up eventually. So, volunteers are preparing various defense measures and have already agreed to hide their kids.

The cutting off of Florida is far from unexpected; people have been talking about this for years. Hopefully the process goes as smoothly as possible. Once it has been completed, all 49 United States can finally live peacefully. That is, unless Texas makes it 48.