The Lemon

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The holidays are coming up soon, and for many people that means seeing family and friends that you normally don’t. With the ongoing pandemic this can be difficult to do safely, so here are 10 tips and tricks to safely enjoy the holidays:

Don’t have friends: One way to cut the spread of Covid-19 is to limit the people you’re in contact with, and a great way to do this is simply not having friends. This way you don’t worry about extra people. This trick can also be used to save money when buying presents.

Have everyone catch Covid-19: You don’t need to worry about spreading the virus if everyone there already has it. You also will have the antibodies for after the holidays so don’t need to worry then either, it’s a Win-Win.

Sacrifice: In order to avoid the virus you could make an offering to the gods for protection. We recommend the weakest friend, this can be determined by a gladiatorial tournament. A goat will do in a pinch.

Die: Can’t get sick if you aren’t alive.

Have everyone show up in human hamster balls: as long as you don’t leave you will be in a closed ecosystem and won’t spread the virus. This also lets you have holiday parties on lakes and helps with balance.

Spears: This seems like you need to stab a large number of people, but if you just have your first be in public it solves several problems: nobody will get near you during the holidays, no more pointless conversations, interesting story, great for those “1 fun fact about yourself” circles. The only downside is you may be charged with either assault with a deadly weapon or murder depending on how good your aim is.

Flee the planet: The virus is only on Earth, so make it to another planet and you’re safe.

Impersonate a doctor: Doctors are supposed to get the vaccine first, so you need to pretend to be one of them so you do too. If you go with this plan make sure you get the date they give the vaccine first, otherwise you may need to do several medical procedures and will be found out.

Healing crystals: Using the power of this unbreakable crystal…  oops!  These two unbreakable crystals you can forcefully remove the virus from your body. How? Buy my new book “Showing Crystal Accelerated Medicine” or S.C.A.M. for three hundred easy payments of 29.99. The crystals come with it for an additional Two Thousand payments of 9.99, What a steal!!!!!

Get banished from every country simultaneously: It’s difficult to do but if successful you should simply teleport to a different dimension where you are allowed to exist, avoiding most problems associated with the holidays and Covid-19.


In all seriousness, please be safe this holiday season.  We look forward to seeing you in 2021.