The Tea on Santa C.

We at the Tribune conducted an extensive investigative project at the North Pole that required our reporters to be embedded (not in the snow, but in Santa’s toy shop).  In order to protect the identities of our investigative staff, we have assigned aliases. What follows is the real deal tea on Santa C.:

Does Santa really exist?

Yes.   But we’re not sure if we do.

How does Santa get into your house if you do not have a chimney?

Eyewitness accounts, as they usually do, differ:

According to “Sophomore Supreme,” Santa uses the following:  A battering ram, a trebuchet, or other various forms of medieval siege weaponry.  According to “Fish-in-da-Sea,” he turns into a tiny lizard and slides under your door.  “Firestick 12” said, “he comes in like a SWAT team and busts through your windows.” “Elfinor” said “he is more of a metaphysical orb or mist and that’s how he can be everywhere at once and fit in small places like a chimney or a keyhole.”  According to “DJ Zowie Wowie,” Santa is a common thief and “picks your lock.”  

Do you have to leave milk and cookies for Santa?

Santa is actually on a restricted diet per doctor’s orders and Ms. Claus would appreciate it if you would leave Santa any of the following in lieu of milk and cookies:



Seeds and nuts


Filtered water

Green tea

Soy milk

Lentil soup

What if Santa has to go to the bathroom?

Fortunately, there is a port-a-potty in his sleigh.  But watch out for Rudolph.

What if I forgot to send Santa a letter telling him what I want this year?

You can reach Santa 24/7 on his Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Gmail or Linkedin accounts.  He also snapchats and make TikToks.

Will Santa really leave coal in my stocking?

Yes if your name is Logan Murray.  Just kidding. Santa now distributes solar panels and LED lights instead of coal.  He’s against the environmental destruction caused by fossil fuels.