How to Bake a Perfect Graduation Cake

What’s the perfect sugary centerpiece for your graduation party gastrointestinal cornucopia? Why, a graduation cake, of course! This from-scratch all-natural recipe for “Lemon Chiffon Flavorexplosion Doublerainbow Beautymelt Ice-Cream Cake Miracle” was our Editors’ favourite:


Serves: Ten

Bake Time: 30 minutes



  • Generic Chocolate Cake Mix (4 lbs.)

  • Red #456 (14oz.)

  • Fluorocarbon Isooctane (3 billion tsps.)

  • Dog Blood (1 cup)

  • Horseshoe Crab Meat (45,000 lbs.)

  • Frosting 2.0 (45 cups, in half-cup increments)

  • Orphan Tears (1 Demonic Vialworth)

  • Yog Soggoth tentacles (4 yottabytes)

  • Queen CDs (4-5, preferably including “Bohemian Rhapsody”)

  • ????MAGIC????? (infinite cubic volume)



  • Oven (preheat to 1460000000 degrees Celsius)

  • Campfire

  • Seaborgium Spatula

  • Electric Keyboard

  • Microwave Oven

  • Cyclical Hyperdrive Engine Biological Replacement Fluid Catalyst (1294 prototype or later)(preset to Eviscerate)

  • Rock


1) Take the Cake Mix and throw globs of the material (in handfuls) into the oven until the entire interior is filled with cake. Set to cook for ten days.

2) Remember, the Cyclical Hyperdrive Engine Biological Replacement Fluid Catalyst will rupture if left unattended in a 54 second span while in Eviscerate mode. Activate it now and periodically (54 second periods, to be precise), throw in a pound of Horseshoe Crab meat into the Opening Diameter in order for it to be processed by the CHEBRFC. Recommended: covering the post-process bits with frosting 2.0 in order to give it wi-fi capability.

3) Start mixing the Fluorocarbon Isooctane with the dog blood using the Seaborgium Spatula. There will be a crackling noise and a flash of light, do not be alarmed.

4) Microwave this mixture for thirty seconds. In the meantime, crush the Queen CDs with the rock and play terrible Kiss covers on the keyboard to release the soul of Freddie Mercury.

5) Splatter Red #456 all over yourself in order to convince Freddie Mercury that you’re suffering debilitating and/or life-threatening sunburn. This will be difficult, as you’ll have to act the part even while you’re throwing Horseshoe Crab meat into the CHEBRFC in 54-second intervals.

6) If you succeed in convincing Freddie that you are, in fact, suffering a life-threatening sunburn, he will impart some of his Rock n’ Roll sparkledust upon you. Spring to life and catch the sparkledust with your orphan tears, this will start the ritual. You now have only 15 minutes to complete your cake. (!!!!)

7) Freddie Mercury will start to chant “We Will Rock You” in rage. Combine the Yog Soggoth tentacles with the campfire while reciting the ABC’s in order to return his essence back to Valhalla.

8) The Dog Blood mixture should be finished by now, drink in in order to purify your soul (this will be extremely painful.)

9) Take the processed Horseshoe Crab meat while covering yourself with Frosting 2.0. The CHEBRFC will no longer be required and can be put into OFF mode.

10) With your Frosting-Human union, you may now enter the CakePortal that has been created in the oven. The meat shall be your sacrifice, consume it in order to represent your union with the universe. Take a running jump into the oven.

11) This is the critical moment. Use your ????MAGIC????? now. There will be a blinding light and an emptiness in your soul. Do not be alarmed.

12) Congratulations! You’ve made the Perfect Graduation Cake! Yum!!!