Summaries For The Rest Of Us

High school students around the world have gone through the pain of having to read through the great works of literature accepted as “wonderful,” and “must-reads” by teachers and over-zealous parents. Many times students, bogged down with other course work and simply having a lack of interest in the book, consult a number of references to gain as much knowledge about it as possible, and in as little time as possible. Such sources include SparkNotes, CliffsNotes, and good ol’ Wikipedia. But even these summaries can be cumbersome to sift through, taking sometimes an hour for the true procrastinator.

I have decided to ease the minds of weight-laden, sleep-deprived, scared-of-any-sort-of-paper-because-it-looks-like-a-book-they-were-supposed-to-read-and-didn’t high school students by providing an authoritative synopsis of several books required to read in high school, in one paragraph or less.

 

The Grapes of Wrath

A family cursed with the last name of Joad gets further cursed by a giant dust monster who wants to eat their farm. But the monster is allergic to California, so they decide to move there, looking for a job, but are unsuccessful in doing so.

1984

You love Big Brother or rats will eat your face.

The Catcher in the Rye

This rebellious rich kid has a dream where he tries to catch people from running out of a field of rye down a cliff. But he really drops out of schools, gets conned by a prostitute, and takes his sister to a merry-go-round.

Macbeth

Everyone dies.

Romeo and Juliet

The head of one gang has a son, while the head of their enemy gang has a daughter. Various gang wars ensue, but the son and daughter fall in love. Then they kill themselves.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

A small boy travels up the Mississippi River to Cairo, Egypt, where the culture is completely different. Oddly enough, the story doesn’t mention any pyramids, but it does mention a Duke and a King, and gang wars. Several morality issues are raised, but nothing is really done about them.

The Time Machine

The only thing in mankind’s future is a football-shaped organism.

Oliver Twist

If you ever ask for “more,” you’ll get caught up in a gang war.

The Raven

This poor guy wants to mourn, but quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”

Walden

Sorry. You’re on your own with this one.

Gulliver’s Travels

A guy shipwrecks on an island populated with miniature people, but is able to escape. Unperturbed, he sets sail again, only to shipwreck on an island with giants, but is able to escape. Amazingly enough, he sets sail again, finding a population of misshapen people, but is able to escape. Believe it or not, he sets sail a fourth time, and comes to a land populated with anthropomorphized horses. He never wants to leave, but ends up washing away.

Frankenstein

A man creates another man out of other men, but everyone ends up depressed.